I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
