I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
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