she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
My life is pants optional.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize