You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Randomize
