Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
