I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I can't put those talents on a resume
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize