sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
