Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Randomize
