please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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