theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
