Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
