Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
ttyl tear gas
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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