you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
