well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
