She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
