new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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