two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
