I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
