I will die if light touches me.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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