awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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