Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
After tacos, we're chasing women.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize