if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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