my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
