My girlfriend figured out who you are.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
