I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
