non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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