I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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