so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
