so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
My bed is full of blood and feathers
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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