Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
