bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
