Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
being pregnant is like rehab
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
