I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Randomize
