One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
