I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I think your dad took our porno
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
