your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
