She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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