Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
