It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
