onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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