between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
