if i can run in heels then i can drive
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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