someone get that fucking seahorse.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
