God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Can I color on your dick again?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
