Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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