I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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