Will you blow on my dice?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
