Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
