i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
