Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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