last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize