his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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