I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
