85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
