my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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