I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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