Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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