do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
