the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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