hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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